Right now, I’m only about two weeks away from starting back into university life, and so far, everything is incredibly chaotic.
Not only am I settling into a new job and a new role as a mentor, but there have also been some security breaches at my university that have shaken everything up entirely. The usual online tools didn’t work for a long time and are only now being partially restored, in the most chaotic and complicated ways. All of this has led to a lot of confusion around semester planning, schedules, and everything else that comes with it. To be honest, in my mind I’m also still quite deep in my very chaotic, ADHD-addled holiday mindset. In times like this, everything can get overwhelming and even anxiety-inducing, so right now I’m taking a moment to catch my bearings and collect my thoughts.
On top of that, my recent weeks have been (unnecessarily) busy too. I put too much on my own plate, and now I have to try and dig my way through appointments and to-dos.
There are some things that are helping me right now, though, and it’s nice to be able to find some reprieve every now and then. Part of this is planning and structuring, and another part is being productive in ways that allow me to create a bit of a backlog of recurring tasks, giving me some breathing room when things get really hectic.
For example, I’ve been preparing some freezer meals. Very slowly, since we’re also lazy gluttons who much prefer cooking once and eating the same thing for days to come afterward. But here and there, I’m able to safely tuck away a portion or two in our freezer. Stockpiling food is also a way for me to deal with uncertainty and the general overwhelm caused by everything going on in the world.
Something else I’m really enjoying right now is preparing our apartment in ways that I think might be helpful in the coming weeks. Order and cleanliness especially go hand in hand for me when I have to be productive, busy, or deliver in one way or another. Right now, a good framework is in place, and it feels like I have some breathing room to get into the more detailed organizational stuff.
The physical labor of reorganizing is also a good contrast to the more mentally challenging tasks I’m having to complete. Over the last few weeks, I was incredibly productive making and publishing things. Right now, I can kind of just rest on those accomplishments, organize and plan ahead, and create a backlog.
What’s happening right now is, I think, a transition period where I’m switching from a more freely structured, creative, and in some ways calmer period — during which I somehow managed to be incredibly creative and productive in my personal life and everyday affairs — to a time when harsher structure, a weekly rhythm, and academic achievements are coming back into focus.
It’s going to be a very demanding time, but one that will offer much clearer direction than the last semester.
In some ways, I definitely grieve the freedom I was able to experience over this last half a year. But I’m also befriending what’s to come for me. Especially with my bachelor’s degree coming up, I think this could be fulfilling to me in many ways.
When I’m in the right place, I’m not one to turn down a challenge, and I believe one life skill I want to acquire — and therefore need good practice at — is learning how to realize large projects with a big workload, sometimes under less-than-ideal conditions. Going through that whole process is, of course, grueling and frightening to me, but it’s also something I know I might need for my personal growth and to get closer to where I want to be in life.
One positive note is that my calm semester has brought me to a point where I no longer feel like I’m in a meat grinder. I’m in a state where my energy is almost back to normal. I have some drive, and even some excitement, for the challenges ahead. I’m interested in things related to uni again, and I no longer have those intense negative reactions just from being near it.
Thus, I’m going into this with my hopes and energy up, rather than feeling drained and depleted as I used to in semesters past.
I’m quite confident that, much like in semesters past, the initial anxieties are going to subside as I settle into a rhythm again. It’s also somewhat of a help to hear from others in similar situations about their struggles, especially when they sound very familiar. It gives me a sense that I’m not alone, and that people can relate to and understand my point of view.
If my own experience resonates with someone out there, I’m happy to share this strange time of uncertain feelings for a brief moment in time. After all, we’re all going through the bumpy human experience day after day, and I feel we deserve whatever solace we can find in each other’s company.
Take care.